How Yelling Affects ADHD; And What You Can Do About It Now.

Do know how yelling affects ADHD? It probably affects you more than you think. Many ADHD-ers experience getting yelled at; especially during childhood, from siblings, parents, and friends.

If heated arguments, and screaming matches is your go-to problem-solving move, then this may be a result of getting yelled at as a child.

Many people with ADHD seem to be locked in a struggle with self-destructive habits such as; forgetfulness, dealing with authority figures, and carelessness. Even though ADHD is associated with these traits, the problem may lie in how your ADHD was reacted to in the first place.

My childhood was filled with shouting, scolding, and yelling from my mom. But yelling affects ADHD really bad. Bad enough that the online parenting magazine, Today’s Parent says it’s just as bad as spanking. And the Catch-22 is; ADHD kids get yelled at for doing exactly what ADHD is notorious for.

Why is that so? First, we have to understand how the ADHD brain processes emotions.

Emotional hypersensitivity is a core trait of ADHD. Think of ADHD as the great multiplier. If you give rotten lemons, you get a ton of shitty lukewarm lemonade; conversely applied, juicing good lemons will give you an ice-cold pitcher of Michelin-star grade lemonade.

The effects of longterm effects of yelling are:

1. Destroys self-confidence

My mom’s a wonderful person, but she has no filter. She’ll say what she wants, and she’ll say it loudly. Unfortunately, this isn’t a good mix with her fiery temper. Little things set her off, like forgetting to clean the dishes, or misreading instructions for setting up the new TV. Fights with my mom are intense, and real nasty. She resorts to raising her voice a lot of name-calling.

I was called: stupid, lazy, a waste of space, idiot, good-for-nothing, the list goes on. And when you hear that from your mom, especially as a kid, that shit hurts. And the worst part is, when you screw up, you start to believe those things about yourself.

“If you yell at your child, you either create somebody who yells back at you or somebody who is shamed and retreats,” says Megan Leahly, a parenting coach, in an article by the Washington Post. “You’re either growing aggression or growing shame. Those are not characteristics that any parents want in their kids.”

2. Yelling doesn’t teach you how to deal with conflict properly

Yelling is identified as a hostile activity. When we feel as if we’re being attacked, our brain naturally goes on defensive mode.

Harsh verbal discipline lowers receptivity. Think about it. If someone ever shouted at you in an argument, did you actually listen to what they just said?

A study points out that yelling makes children more aggressive, physically and verbally. Even animals interpret yelling as threatening. Loud noises activate fight or flight senses in the brain, making it nearly impossible to properly rationalize a situation.

When my mom and I fought before, we would have screaming matches that were heard from across the Pacific Ocean. During these moments, there comes a point where my brain goes on auto-pilot. I’m not able to control what I say, and how I say it.

Our fights made me afraid to confront people, because I learned to identify conflict as a zero-sum game.

3. The effects of yelling are long-term

Yelling affects ADHD in the long run. In a New York Times article, Dr. Straus, director of the Family Research Laboratory at the University of New Hampshire said “Yelling sets the tone for family relationships that carry over for dating relationships where you get a lot of psychological aggression,”.

For the longest time, I had serious anger issues. I used to freak out and have these mad temper tantrums. And it wasn’t even about anything big. I turned from Bruce Banner to the not-so Incredible Hulk over burnt a pieces of toast, or losing a pen for the tenth time. There was a time I threw my friend’s controller on the ground when I lost in FIFA, though to be fair, FIFA is a life or death case. FIFA drives people seriously mad. 

I nailed this issue to how I get yelled at by my mom. My brain subconsciously taught itself that tiny mistakes warranted being called useless, stupid, or walloped by a belt.

I learned to lie to get myself out of trouble. Lying became part of my system, and it took a long time for me to flush out. Many friends of mine who have ADHD, had problems with lying as well.

When you treat people harshly for making a mistake, you’re telling them they can’t trust you. Liars are born when people don’t feel accepted, so they create a different story to make it like so. Lying is a coping mechanism, because the alternative of telling the truth seems much worse.

For me, the hardest part of being ADHD was fighting my deeply-rooted anger issues, low self-esteem, and habitual lying. These problems took years to fix, because of how ingrained they were in my system.

So how do we fix our problems? Like right now?

There’s no silver bullet to correcting the various effects of yelling. It’s a long process that requires conscious decision-making and self awareness.

You have to be self-aware. I make it a point to know what triggers me, how much pressure I can handle, and where my strengths and weaknesses lie. Knowing thyself makes it easier to face tough situations, and helps you make better decisions.

The second step was taking myself out of volatile situations. An effect of ADHD is emotional hypersensitivity, so the best way to deal with bad situations, is to simply learn to walk away from them. It’s better to solve a problem with a clear head because, barely anything gets solved when you’re emotionally charged.

I’m also very lucky to have a good support group. I had minimal therapy for my ADHD , and never took medication; but I had people who knew and worked well with my limits. My mom, despite her unfavourable discipling method, took time to try and understand ADHD, my sister and I even suspect she has it too.

The last tip is to forgive. You have to understand that your ADHD might make you do things that might not be received well. Our society’s understanding of mental health is still at it’s infancy. When people don’t understand something, their natural tendency is to lash out at it.

So forgive the people who don’t know how to handle you, and go easy on yourself when your ADHD makes you forget to refill the dog bowl.

ADHD is a life hack, it just needs to be nurtured. When you understand how great your ADHD can be, you can hack your ADHD to success.

 

 

Disclaimer: Whether you need medication or not is a case to case basis, and it’s still highly recommended that you consult a medical professional before making any decision. 

Sources:

https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/on-parenting/study-says-yelling-as-harmful-as-spanking-in-disciplining-kids-so-what-should-parents-do/2013/10/01/dcb01b74-1bf1-11e3-8685-5021e0c41964_story.html?utm_term=.13e546b207db
https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/harsh-critical-parenting-may-lead-to-anxiety-disorder-symptoms/
http://www.nytimes.com/2004/11/09/health/scream-at-your-own-risk-and-your-childrens.html?mcubz=1
http://www.livestrong.com/article/513225-long-term-effects-of-yelling-at-children/
https://www.bustle.com/articles/92038-9-social-anxiety-symptoms-that-are-actually-kind-of-darkly-funny

Comments

  1. B5Wl3h

    960356 374606Write more, thats all I have to say. Literally, it seems as though you relied on the video to make your point. You clearly know what youre talking about, why waste your intelligence on just posting videos to your blog when you could be giving us something enlightening to read? 626464

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  3. nanoo

    Heya i’m for the first time here. I came across this board and I find It truly useful & it helped me out a lot. I hope to give something back and aid others like you aided me.|

    1. Post
      Author
      carlosrivera510

      Hey Nanoo! Thanks a ton for that! I’m really glad to know it helped someone out. Actually considered making this blog active again. Hope to see you more around here soon!

  4. Sara G

    Hey there! ADHD human here with very similar experiences! Thank you for this article, I really appreciated reading it, and have come to a lot of the same realizations myself.

    Just wanted to say though- and I don’t know the whole picture, and I’m definitely not saying that your mom isn’t a wonderful person at all because I don’t know her either- but name calling (such as lazy stupid and waste of space) is undeniably verbal abuse and being walloped with a belt is straight up physical abuse. I have identified this in my childhood situation, but my experience was also pretty constant so I don’t want to make any assumptions.

    1. Post
      Author
      carlosrivera510

      Hey Sara,

      I’m Asian, it’s customary to live by the belt. 😂

      All jokes aside, I did feel that it was abusive for the longest time, but over the years I’ve learned to see her behaviour from another angle.

      During her time (60s-70s), that was how they were disciplined, that’s what she was exposed to. Belting, name-calling, slapping, that’s how her generation was raised.

      She admitted it was wrong, but it took her a long time to come to terms with that. She’s also battling bipolar disorder, and when you add that with her experience as a child, it becomes clear why she behaves that way to me.

      But I understand and I forgive.

      Her experience does not invalidate how I felt about being smacked around, nor does it make it less wrong, but it puts things into perspective.

      I don’t think our parents and role models will ever be perfect, and neither will we. But every generation, we always look to be better, make better decisions, and be better people.

      “Be better than our generation, you have the power to change it” that’s what my mom always tells me.

      I used to be angry, and now I’m not. I’m glad my mom was able to realise that our belting sessions wasn’t my cup of tea, and how she opened up to me about how she felt doing it and why she did.

      She might not be perfect and she might have said horrible things, but I’ll always love her, and be thankful for what I was taught, and most importantly, I’ve learned to be happy with myself.

      I don’t know your situation, or how being abused in that manner affected you, nor can I speak for people who have had similar experiences, but I wish you the best in your healing and happiness.

      We all have our own coping mechanisms (mine is really dark humour), but acceptance and forgiveness is always the first step in the long road, though definitely not the easiest part.

      I’m really glad this is a conversation we’re all starting to have, and to be able to speak on this without hate is truly empowering. Mental health awareness is something that I really advocate for, and I’m looking forward to hearing more stories like yours.

      Thank you for reading this. I really appreciate it when somebody is able to pick up something from my blog, no matter how small it maybe. Wish you all the best again! ☺️

  5. D

    I enjoyed reading you’re article. I’ve read several about how ADHD affects adults etc but reading it from your personal experience helped me tremendously. I had a surprise baby in my 40’s and as a toddler is showing the tendencies of ADHD already. Her Dad and my Mom have it and it’s defiantly testing my patience a lot of times. Thanks again for the read and helping me see what to avoid and what I can expect as well!

  6. Ines

    Thank you for this post. I found it (and the comments & replies) very relevant and helpful to my own situation. I, too, have practiced forgiveness, to move on. But it does help to know that others have lived similar childhoods and are coping and thriving today. Thank you for hope and your glowing example. You give me faith that I can do this, too.

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